my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
