If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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