And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
