How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I understand Curling. That high.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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