wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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