Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Life is so much better after having sex.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
