Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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