hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's get the cat blown out
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
