You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
