you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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