The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
