My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
