he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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