My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
