one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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