Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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