Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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