youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
