You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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