it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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