Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
