It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
