R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
