he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
