I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
