True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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