i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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