I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
