i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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