I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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