Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
two words...techno handjob
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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