Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
