3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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