My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
