dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
