: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Damn victory sex feels great
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
