There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
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Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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