I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Randomize
