She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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