I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
