Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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