I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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