Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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