She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
