woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
