I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
