she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
