Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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