I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
