You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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