mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
