Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize